“This is going to start right now,” said a grinning Rita Downswing, the Mayor of Cleveland. “Like I don’t know if you get it, it starts right now.”

“For starters, have you seen how much he shoots? ” said 46-year-old mayor. “And, and he hits his target over 50% of the time.” City council members also cited other tendencies such as stealing and improper chalk dust distribution.

Mayor Downswing gave a rough outline of the restrictions to be placed on the native Ohioan following a 3-hour city council meeting.

The biggest provision will require the 25-year-old James to stay in the 83 square mile plot of his home. When alerted that this area was the same size as the city, city councilman Tom Dresnel said smiling, “oh, that hadn’t even occurred to me.”

A stipulation in the proposal would allow James to travel under the supervision of a court appointed coach. Outside of this “allotted recreation time” as Dresnel called it, he is legally prohibited from spending time in any other city or state.

Stephen Levitt, a city appointed attorney for James, said that Cleveland’s attempt at forcing the NBA’s greatest asset to remain a prisoner in an area the size of Cleveland is perfect. “My client is a social being as well as the best player in the world and we, as the city, want to do what is best for him and his family,” he said.

“The city’s major concern is creating a celeb friendly downtown,” Levitt continued. “Do you think Jay-Z or Alicia Keys wants to come hang out here…it’s a pretty dead place.” The city has additional plans beyond a downtown facelift.

“Yea, were going to raise taxes,” said Mayor Downswing. “Lebron will be the first basketball player to make $1 billion. I believe that’s Economics 101.”

It is unclear how long this provision will be implemented, but Dresnel gave his best guess, “You never know when these abilities, tendencies, behaviors – what have you — will subside, but once they do, I can assure you that Cleveland will give him his due freedom.”

“Until then, he’s not going anywhere,” he added emphatically, “AN-Y-WH-ERE.”

Wiggins got the idea Friday in the presence of his best friend Willis; the 4-week-old goldfish could not be reached for comment.

Making the list may help put an end to the life-long battle Wiggins has waged with a need for somebody, anybody to want him. “I do believe murder, rape and kidnapping are all ghastly crimes,” Wiggins said, “but personally I think the benefits outweigh the costs.”

After hours of internal debate as to which crime would ensure his position on the list of the countries most wanted criminals, Wiggins’ anxiety got the best of him and he lay down on his tiny single bed to rest. Alone and dejected, Wiggins watched a 6-hour marathon of the Bad Girls Club for the third night this week.

Dr. Sheila Leghorn, a psychology professor at MU, said, “Men who are isolated from human contact for multiple years at a time often have difficulty making coherent decisions.” Dr. Leghorn laughed off the idea of Wiggins ever coming to a decision to commit a crime that could make the most wanted list.

“Although he does have the advantage of having no close contacts that would give away his identity, Mr. Wiggins’ social anxiety disorders would most likely prevent him from ever getting close enough to another person to carry out any illegal act,” she said. Still, Dr. Leghorn explained that the majority of infamous criminals do have histories of social exile.

“I think I could reconcile kidnapping somebody without hurting them,” Wiggins said to a nearly empty press conference comprised of one reporter, “hopefully one day my victim and I could be friends.”

FBI investigator Paul Jacoff said law enforcement would seek full prosecution even for a man so clearly lacking attention. “He can get a whole lot of attention in the county pen,” Jacoff said, “but it might not be exactly what he’s looking for.”

Wiggins said at this point in his life he would take any attention he can get, even if that involves prison gang rape. “I suppose that would be ok, as long as they took the time to learn my name,” said Wiggins.

While Wiggins sits quietly hoping for prison rape or Stockholm syndrome, the rest of the world goes on as usual, with nobody thinking twice about lonely Ted Wiggins.