May 3rd, 2010 by matt
CLEVELAND – The City of Cleveland has placed LeBron James on house arrest immediately, according to reports released yesterday. “This is going to start right now,” said a grinning Rita Downswing, the Mayor of Cleveland. “Like I don’t know if you get it, it starts right now.” “For starters, have you seen how much he [...]
March 20th, 2010 by matt
COLUMBIA, Mo– Ted Wiggins, perpetual nominee for Columbia’s “most likely to have nobody attend his funeral” award, has reportedly been contemplating an attempt to get his name on the Most Wanted List. Wiggins got the idea Friday in the presence of his best friend Willis; the 4-week-old goldfish could not be reached for comment. Making [...]
February 23rd, 2010 by matt
Columbia – MU junior Michael Scolaro set a Winter Olympic television viewing record for watching 23 straight minutes of coverage Sunday. “It took a whole lot of perseverance, sweat and, primarily, laziness,” Scolaro, the 20-year-old business major said of his accomplishment. Scolaro undertook the 23 minute marathon of seemingly endless boredom the morning after a [...]