The Mizzou Flipside

CLEVELAND – The City of Cleveland has placed LeBron James on house arrest immediately, according to reports released yesterday. “This is going to start right now,” said a grinning Rita Downswing, the Mayor of Cleveland. “Like I don’t know if you get it, it starts right now.” “For starters, have you seen how much he [...]

WASHINGTON D.C.— First lady Michelle Obama announced yesterday that she is launching a campaign to fight childhood obesity. “I want to start small,” said Obama, “spending time with each kid and whipping them into shape.” Secretary of Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius applauded Obama for hitting the issues head-on. “She sees one of [...]

COLUMBIA, Mo– Ted Wiggins, perpetual nominee for Columbia’s “most likely to have nobody attend his funeral” award, has reportedly been contemplating an attempt to get his name on the Most Wanted List. Wiggins got the idea Friday in the presence of his best friend Willis; the 4-week-old goldfish could not be reached for comment. Making [...]

OMAHA, NEB.- The current recession – the largest in several decades – has been crippling the nation for over a year but, in a tremendous act of bravery, Omaha native Mike Smith ate dinner last Tuesday night. “It’s been on my mind for awhile now,” said the newly anointed national hero. “I’ve been hungry for [...]

COLUMBIA, MO- Tony Saltonio, like most local bar owners, wants to reach out to the MU student body. What sets him apart from everyone else is the type of student he is looking to attract: the underage. “Specifically, I want ‘em between 16 and 21,” said the 43 year-old owner. “What? Every other business is [...]

Columbia – MU junior Michael Scolaro set a Winter Olympic television viewing record for watching 23 straight minutes of coverage Sunday. “It took a whole lot of perseverance, sweat and, primarily, laziness,” Scolaro, the 20-year-old business major said of his accomplishment. Scolaro undertook the 23 minute marathon of seemingly endless boredom the morning after a [...]

Dr. Guy Hofstrom examined a 13-year-old girl on Thursday who displayed remarkable bouts of violent yelling, disruptions in happiness, and fluctuations in her temper. Hofstrom dismissed the issue at first, but upon further review of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for moderating appropriate social interactions, realized he had discovered “High-Maintenance-Syndrome.” The [...]

After that point, Simpkins began seeing Jesse all the time, especially every Tuesday and Thursday when he was walking to the Journalism school. Simpkins felt that it was fate.

The University of Missouri Trulaske School of Business will be offering a unique opportunity to study abroad in the Jersey Shore next summer, the school announced Friday. “We really want to give students the chance to broaden their horizons and experience different cultures,” said Ryan Neal, a spokesperson for the program. “The chance to visit [...]

The chairman of the organization, the downtrodden Houston Rocket, Tracy McGrady, says the mission of their trip was to prepare young MU basketball guard Kim English for the perils that lie ahead.