City Of Cleveland Places Lebron James Under City-Wide House Arrest
May 3rd, 2010 | Published in Articles, Patrick Michael, Sports, Staff
CLEVELAND – The City of Cleveland has placed LeBron James on house arrest immediately, according to reports released yesterday.
“This is going to start right now,” said a grinning Rita Downswing, the Mayor of Cleveland. “Like I don’t know if you get it, it starts right now.”
“For starters, have you seen how much he shoots? ” said 46-year-old mayor. “And, and he hits his target over 50% of the time.” City council members also cited other tendencies such as stealing and improper chalk dust distribution.
Mayor Downswing gave a rough outline of the restrictions to be placed on the native Ohioan following a 3-hour city council meeting.
The biggest provision will require the 25-year-old James to stay in the 83 square mile plot of his home. When alerted that this area was the same size as the city, city councilman Tom Dresnel said smiling, “oh, that hadn’t even occurred to me.”
A stipulation in the proposal would allow James to travel under the supervision of a court appointed coach. Outside of this “allotted recreation time” as Dresnel called it, he is legally prohibited from spending time in any other city or state.
Stephen Levitt, a city appointed attorney for James, said that Cleveland’s attempt at forcing the NBA’s greatest asset to remain a prisoner in an area the size of Cleveland is perfect. “My client is a social being as well as the best player in the world and we, as the city, want to do what is best for him and his family,” he said.
“The city’s major concern is creating a celeb friendly downtown,” Levitt continued. “Do you think Jay-Z or Alicia Keys wants to come hang out here…it’s a pretty dead place.” The city has additional plans beyond a downtown facelift.
“Yea, were going to raise taxes,” said Mayor Downswing. “Lebron will be the first basketball player to make $1 billion. I believe that’s Economics 101.”
It is unclear how long this provision will be implemented, but Dresnel gave his best guess, “You never know when these abilities, tendencies, behaviors – what have you — will subside, but once they do, I can assure you that Cleveland will give him his due freedom.”
“Until then, he’s not going anywhere,” he added emphatically, “AN-Y-WH-ERE.”