Lonely Man Considering Perks Of Most Wanted List
March 20th, 2010 | Published in Articles, Patrick Michael, US
COLUMBIA, Mo– Ted Wiggins, perpetual nominee for Columbia’s “most likely to have nobody attend his funeral” award, has reportedly been contemplating an attempt to get his name on the Most Wanted List.
Wiggins got the idea Friday in the presence of his best friend Willis; the 4-week-old goldfish could not be reached for comment.
Making the list may help put an end to the life-long battle Wiggins has waged with a need for somebody, anybody to want him. “I do believe murder, rape and kidnapping are all ghastly crimes,” Wiggins said, “but personally I think the benefits outweigh the costs.”
After hours of internal debate as to which crime would ensure his position on the list of the countries most wanted criminals, Wiggins’ anxiety got the best of him and he lay down on his tiny single bed to rest. Alone and dejected, Wiggins watched a 6-hour marathon of the Bad Girls Club for the third night this week.
Dr. Sheila Leghorn, a psychology professor at MU, said, “Men who are isolated from human contact for multiple years at a time often have difficulty making coherent decisions.” Dr. Leghorn laughed off the idea of Wiggins ever coming to a decision to commit a crime that could make the most wanted list.
“Although he does have the advantage of having no close contacts that would give away his identity, Mr. Wiggins’ social anxiety disorders would most likely prevent him from ever getting close enough to another person to carry out any illegal act,” she said. Still, Dr. Leghorn explained that the majority of infamous criminals do have histories of social exile.
“I think I could reconcile kidnapping somebody without hurting them,” Wiggins said to a nearly empty press conference comprised of one reporter, “hopefully one day my victim and I could be friends.”
FBI investigator Paul Jacoff said law enforcement would seek full prosecution even for a man so clearly lacking attention. “He can get a whole lot of attention in the county pen,” Jacoff said, “but it might not be exactly what he’s looking for.”
Wiggins said at this point in his life he would take any attention he can get, even if that involves prison gang rape. “I suppose that would be ok, as long as they took the time to learn my name,” said Wiggins.
While Wiggins sits quietly hoping for prison rape or Stockholm syndrome, the rest of the world goes on as usual, with nobody thinking twice about lonely Ted Wiggins.