Big 12 Recruits Underage Drinkers
March 1st, 2010 | Published in Articles, Connor Elfrink, Mizzou, Staff
COLUMBIA, MO- Tony Saltonio, like most local bar owners, wants to reach out to the MU student body. What sets him apart from everyone else is the type of student he is looking to attract: the underage.
“Specifically, I want ‘em between 16 and 21,” said the 43 year-old owner. “What? Every other business is looking to attract students. That’s fact. You attend high school, you know what that makes you? A student. Hell, you could say the same for middle school.”
Saltonio, who owns and manages Campus Bar & Grill, more commonly known as Big 12, recognizes the amount of spending the underage provide for him and blames their absence on his recent financial woes.
“The Dow? What the fuck is a Dow?” he said. “You know what’s Dow? The amount of freshmen and sophomores coming out here to get bombed.”
“Like ‘down’, get it?” he reiterated.
The bar’s biggest problem, according to Saltonio, is a complete over-maturity in its drinkers. To his dismay, things like meaningful conversations have been occurring in frequency.
“People are talking about an exit strategy. I got an exit strategy, how about some grinding, how about some dude withdrawing his [expletive deleted] and making that [expletive deleted] and [expletive deleted] all over the [expletive deleted] like [expletive deleted] on a slow Tuesday,” said Saltonio.
One particular event has left Saltonio disgusted. Last Thursday night, when he was executing a U-turn in Hatch Hall’s front circle, he witnessed a room full of college freshmen studying.
“These weren’t no nerds either,” said Saltonio. “From what I saw, one of the girls had on Ugg boots, a t-shirt with greek letters, and blonde hair. I mean, she was hot.”
The manager also cited a recent study by the MU Heath Department, showing that the liver of the average freshman is overly healthy and no longer displaying the signs of weekly binge drinking.
“This is the ‘Zou booze crew! Let’s go, guys,” Saltonio said. “I mean shit, I’ve made it so easy for them.”
The easiness Saltonio refers to is the process of getting into the bar, which involves presenting a false identification at the door, at which point a bouncer – Saltonio in disguise – will pretend to review the I.D. and let you in.
Furthering his qualms with the underrepresentation of minors, Saltonio claimed “I can’t tell you the last time we had to mop up puke.” The manager continued to say that the dishwasher has been bored due to lack of “bitch-work.”
In order to reinvigorate the minor population, Saltonio is hosting Bring-A-Friend-With-A-Fake Night this Wednesday at 9 p.m. It’s free for minors and $10 for those 21 and older.